Confusion

End.

So, that’s it.

She’s done with me.

She’s practically his whether she thinks so or not.

I assume he thinks so as well.

Tomorrow I see Brave with her. Only because we pinkie swore.

She would’ve broken the promise if I hadn’t said I’d be friends with her no matter what.

I kind of wish I hadn’t, but I know I’d miss her too much.

It still hurts to see her with him. She enjoys him a lot and I can tell. She doesn’t want me anymore. Things just “weren’t working out.”

So I’ve decided that my life will now be consumed with workouts, music, and anime.

Workouts make me feel better about myself only slightly.

Music helps me take my mind off things and express how I feel.

Most of the anime I watch now is filled with super adorable guys and gals. It just makes me smile. Kind of.

But. I think that’ll be my life the rest of this summer.

Why.

I’ve gotten a rash from an allergic reaction.

I’ve gotten an infection on my foot from a bug bite.

I’ve gotten hurt because I can’t make her happy.

Everything just isn’t going right for me.

I still die when I see her with him.

Difficulties.

It’s been difficult trying not to think of her.

She made me a CD of her singing and such and I put it on my iPod. I tried listening to it, but I could barely stand to see the names of the tracks. I almost broke down.

I’m feeling better about everything though.

I’ve been doing things to keep my mind off of her. Like working out, playing video games, and drumming and things like that.

Drumming on easy songs help me get out my frustration. Drumming to harder songs help me focus on one thing. Playing video games helps me laugh. Working out just makes me feel better all around.

I miss her. I want her to come back to me. But I’m really hoping she doesn’t. I don’t think I’d ever be able to handle doing this again, because it probably will happen again.

I just wish she missed me like I miss her.

My life as of June 4th, 2012.

She doesn’t talk to me very much anymore. That’s alright though. I’m starting to become less and less worried about it.

I admit, I miss her very, very much, but I don’t think a relationship with her would work out again. I’ve become afraid of hurting her. That’s all it seems like I can do. I’d rather her be with someone who makes her happy. A summer away from her might be the best thing for me. The only time I know for a fact I will see her again is the opening day for Brave. We pinkie swore that we would see that with each other.

But yeah, I’ve calmed down about everything.

I was supposed to start working out today, but yesterday I had three chocolate doughnuts, one chocolate cake doughnut, and a chocolate chocolate chip muffin for breakfast at around one o’clock-ish. Then for dinner, I had a whole box of mac and cheese, so I felt like today wasn’t the best day for moving a whole lot.

Emotions.

I want to scream. But I don’t know what I would scream.

I want to cry. But I don’t know if any tears would come out.

I’m upset. I’m jealous. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m terrified. I’m lost. I’m lonely. I’m desperate. I’m drained. I’m angry. I’m short-tempered. I’m dead.

I need someone to love me. I need someone to hold me and say everything will be alright. I need someone to cry with me. I need someone to talk to me. I need someone to acknowledge how hard I try to do things. I need someone to want me. I need someone to hold my hand. I need someone.

Anyone.

I can’t stand anything right now. Everything is just a reminder. The connections I make are too quick and too redundant. I can’t handle it. I’m too tired. Too weak. This just makes me want to collapse.

I’m such a baby. I’m having too hard of a time getting over this.

I hate being sad.